THAT'S IT, I'M GOING COLD TURKEY!

I am writing this more for myself than for any of you reading this. This is being written for my own selfish reasons. I’m thinking that maybe the people out there who don’t have to deal with my dreadful and completely unnecessary outbursts will offer me some of the support that I could really benefit from; making this whole process that little bit easier. And if this last major and very serious attempt is successful, then maybe it’ll encourage those of you who feel that it is impossible.

I started smoking when I was 12. I had just moved countries (again) and I wanted to fit in and to make friends. Smoking was ‘cool’.

When I reached 14, completely unaware of how addicted I had become, I tried to give up.

Ever since then I have been a smoker wanting to give up. I have tried absolutely everything!

I hardly smoked while I was pregnant, but my partner at the time smoked and often I would have a few drags of his. I am dreadfully ashamed to admit that.

I have given up many times since then, but never officially. I always allowed myself the last bit of my friends’, or one when I was ‘stressed’, or a couple on a night out on the town...thinking I could handle it. I have always ended up back where I started.

I have tried everything and have never managed to irrevocably kick the habit.

When I say I’ve tried everything, I mean that I have tried everything: the patches, the gum, the micro tabs, the lozenges, the NRT spray, the natural spray that supposed to put you off by making the things taste foul (like they don’t anyway?!), the nasal spray, the inhalator, the electronic cigarette, hypnotherapy, the self help books and cd’s, telling myself that I am a beautiful non smoker who is going to live a long and happy life over and over again in the mirror, saving the ends in a jar of water until the sight and smell of it is unbearable...I have laminated lists in my purse of all the reasons I want to quit, all the ways in which I will benefit from giving up, all the reasons never to take another puff...the screen saver on my phone is a picture of a message that my daughter wrote for me on the white board at home, it reads; To mummy, I now you can cwit smocking because I bleav in you mum x o x o love you mum x o x o. I have tried the magnetic acupressure, the supplements and home the remedies to relieve the stress caused by giving up smoking. I asked at the smoking clinic if I could try the champix, but was disallowed due to the medication I take to control my epilepsy. These are several among others.

You would think that pre-cancerous cells in the cervix would do it for me! I had to have part of my cervix removed and I came out of the hospital and sparked up!

The main reason I always go back is because I feel like I am a much better person with a cigarette in my hand. Every time I go for more than a few hours without; I am a nightmare to be around! Not only do I hate how I treat the people that I love who are trying to support me, but I cannot stand the thoughts that go through my head.

I cannot stand the fact that I smoke anymore! I do not want to be a smoker! I will never forgive myself if I end up dying before my time due to my own pathetic weakness! If I have to leave my daughter mother-less just because I couldn’t kick the habit?! That would suggest that I love and care more about getting my daily dose of nicotine than getting my life-long dose of her!

I have tried going cold turkey before and have failed. But this time I am seriously serious. This has gone on far too long and it’s time for me to bite the bullet and go for it. I will suffer and so will the people around me, but like I said to my husband; ‘which would you prefer; putting up with a month of hell living with the ultimate b***h of the century, or deal with 2 years of hell watching me waste away in hospital 5 years from now?’.

My husband tries, but I know that; although the one thing he would change about me if he could change one thing, is that I would be a non-smoker; there’s a part of him that doesn’t want me to give up unless I can do it without ‘ill effects’. The last time I tried and failed was because I was worried that if I didn’t go and buy myself a pack of cigs; our marriage was doomed to fail within a matter of days!

I have 4 cigarettes left in my pack and I am going to finish them. With each one I am going to consider the ‘foulness’ of the horrible cancer sticks! After those are gone, that will be it for me. I am never going to smoke again! I am going to be completely honest with you and admit that I have very little faith in myself because of the amount of times I have, ‘given up giving up’. I will keep you updated and really hope that if you’re reading this you will leave me an encouraging comment. Thanks for your support...expect some angry hubs in the near future :-p!

+1= Have not smoked for 24 hours...I'm still alive, but very shaky and very grumpy!

+2=Have not smoked for 4 days. am struggling, but surviving